


“Who am I then?”

by iwritewhenimhappy



Series: Hope [4]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Developing Relationship, F/M, Family, Gen, Injury Recovery, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Pregnancy, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-03-04 22:54:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18822436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwritewhenimhappy/pseuds/iwritewhenimhappy
Summary: “They’re my family I can’t just- We’re a team.”“Is that really going to change if you’re not a firefighter anymore?”“Of course it will.” Buck says quickly, but there’s doubt there.





	“Who am I then?”

**Author's Note:**

> So this loosely follows canon, mainly the new episode. Basically Buck got injured in the same fashion but the timeline and relationships are a bit different.

“So how are you feeling today, Buck?” Dr. Sims asks in her usual business tone that’s both empathetic and distant.

“Good, yeah no, uh my leg has been feeling a lot better. Pretty soon I’ll have this cast off and I’ll will be in PT.” Buck explains with some excitement and fear. He moves his body ever so slightly in the leather chair that’s far too comfortable for a therapist’s office. Everything is a deep green and littered with browns and whites everywhere. Buck could almost list off from memory all of the knickknacks inside as he’s spent most of his time here pointedly not looking at Dr. Sims, instead looking at everything else.

“That’s great. I’m glad to hear that, but what I truly was asking and I think we’ve known each other long enough for you to know this too, is how you’re feeling emotionally. Are you nervous? Scared? Excited?”

“Yeah. Ah- A little of all of that.”

 Dr. Sims nods her head and scratches something down on her note pad. “I see. Which of these emotions do you feel the most? The one that takes over more than the others?”

“Fear, I guess.” Buck answers honestly but as per usual he doesn’t elaborate.

“Why fear?”

“I don’t know- I mean, what if it goes wrong? What if I can’t get better? Being a firefighter is all I know. Is all I’ve ever really cared about.”

 Dr. Sims nods in understanding. “You’ve said these words before but I’d like to get deeper into that, if that’s okay?”

Buck nods his consent.

“Okay. So being a firefighter is all you care about, but what about Maddie? You’re her brother. You’re a brother. In my opinion that’s a very honourable role and I know that you take it very seriously.”

“I do, but that’s different.”

“How so?”

“It’s not something I chose, it’s a part of who I am. It’s not something I do.” Buck tries to explain.

“So firefighting is something you do and not who you are?”

“Well I mean, it’s both I guess.” Buck tries to reason as he screws his features up slightly in confusion.

“I don’t mean to confuse you, in fact I’m trying to do the opposite.” Dr. Sims explains. “If firefighting is something you do as opposed to being a brother which is who you are than if you lose being a firefighter are really losing as much as you think? You’re losing a job and something you do but it’s not who you are.”

“Who am I then?” Buck says in slight irritation at what she’s suggesting.

“I can’t tell you that but I can tell you what I see and that’s someone who loves to help others, who thrives off of the adrenaline, which is not entirely a bad thing, but you can do these things without being a firefighter.”

“I can’t.” Buck says quickly.

“Why not?”

“They’re my family I can’t just- We’re a team.”

“Is that really going to change if you’re not a firefighter anymore?”

“Of course it will.” Buck says quickly, but there’s doubt there.

“I want you to think about what I’ve said and about the question I posed. We will pick up from here next week.” Dr. Sims says with a kind smile.

“The hours over already?” Buck asks in surprise before turning to the clock to see that it really is.

…

“Hey.” Maddie says softly as Buck walks out of the doc’s room and into the waiting room. Maddie stands up and meets him half way before they both walk towards the exit. His therapy is covered in his generous insurance from being a first responder so he doesn’t have to wait and pay, it’s already taken care of. “Did everything go okay?”

 They’re sitting in the car now when Maddie asks that question, looking at him expectantly. Buck wishes he could meet her enthusiasm but he feels so drained all he can do is nod his head. Maddie doesn’t take offense to this, after taking Buck to many of his appointments already this is the usual routine. It still leaves pang of sadness, of being left out but she knows that whatever he needs to get through this and to get better she’ll give it to him.

“So am I dropping you off at Eddie’s?” Maddie asks cheerfully as she backs out of the parking lot.

“Nah, I think I’m just going to go home and have a nap.” Buck answers with as much honesty as he can. He and Eddie have been on slightly rocky ground since their last date but they have come to some sort of conclusion. One where they remain friends until and if there’s a time when it seems right, for the both of them.

“Is you’re leg bothering you again?”

“Kind of.”

 Buck pulls out his phone and unlocks it. His background picture is of him, Eddie, and Christopher at Chris’s school lunch. It was when he and Eddie were starting to be something and Christopher’s school was putting a lunch on for the parents. Eddie invited him along even though Buck didn’t think it was right for him to go but then he got Christopher involved and that was not playing fair because Eddie knows he can’t say no to him.

**Buck:** _pretty tired. just gonna head home for a nap_ _💤_

**Eddie:** _OK. Get some rest. See you tomorrow?_

**Buck:** _yeah mbe_

 Buck doesn’t want to commit to anything. Lately his emotions have been all over the place and he’s never sure when he’ll feel up to company or not. He used to love being around people all the time but ever since his leg and Ava, he’s been different. He’s not even sure if he’s like this new different him but Dr. Sims says it’s normal. She says that he’s processing a lot and that he needs time. Buck’s not really sure if there’s enough time in the world to get him back to how he was before. To get him back to himself.

“You know that too much thinking is dangerous for you.” Maddie says out of nowhere with a smirk.

“Ha. Ha. Ha.” Buck says sarcastically, then more seriously, “How are you? How’s the little guy doing?”

“Or girl.” Maddie reminds him with a smile. “And great, although he seems to be favoring jello and onions, and there’s only so many times his daddy will cook that for us.”

 Buck laughs. He tries to hold it in but it just comes pouring out, loud and unapologetic. “That kid’s going to give you both a run for your money.”

“Excuse me? I was a model child, and he or she will be too.”

“Right. Sure. Whatever you say, sis.”


End file.
